On days like today and moments like right now

I know that something inside me is shrinking, withdrawing, dwarfing

I know because something feels empty

And the emptiness hurts.

I know it’s my heart, that scared little creature

One day larger than the universe

And today, so small that it could fit into my pocket

Requesting me to hide her in the almira, at the far end of a drawer

Covered in books, clothed by dust, lost in the darkness

Where nobody can see it, nobody can touch it

Oh, this scared little creature, how it begs to feel safe again

But how do I explain this to my heart

That what forces her to shrink down

Is the same thing that will one day make her grow.

If I could

I’d marry poetry

And winters

And rain

And laughter and jokes

And then make babies with all of them.

Yes, if I could

I would.

I don’t know what to make of it

When he never turns back once he leaves

Sometimes, I think, he notices too much of the obvious

I wonder if he can ever see the subtleties

Like the saved pictures of poems on my phone

And how sometimes they break my heart

I wonder if he notices

That I like odd numbers more than even numbers

And somehow prime numbers are my favorite

Does he notice that I fall in love more with movie trailers

Than the movie itself

Does he see a pattern in all this?

Does he wonder what it means?

Because sometimes I wonder

Whether I want to be loved as a whole

Or for beautiful little subtleties.

If one day you come up to me and say

that my room is an exact reflection of who I am,

I won’t be surprised even one bit

Though I’d be a little surprised you noticed.

You see, I’ve never seen my mind, I’ve only felt its presence

And if I had to draw a map, it would look so much like my room

Because its walls are plain and simple, except one that is colorful and messy

And on the walls are pictures of people I love, so you know you’re always on my mind;

Though I guess I’ve explained this a million times, but there’s a jungle theme to it

So much beauty in the raw, the untouched; I like to feel close to nature;

My room has symbols of birds in every corner- a shadow, a picture, a nest

It even has Diwali lights to light me up when I feel low;

Some days it’really messy, full of things I can’t let go

On other days, I’ll throw it all out, clean it up

My room has closets and drawers behind which lie thoughts I hardly visit; fears I know are there

But I try to leave the doors open, for anybody who wants to come in

Though, I’ll have to say, my favorite part is the colorful messy wall

It has quotes, cartoons, thoughts, pictures, ideas

It has word I like, tattoo designs, hand puppets, and the lights

It has a bill of the first time I dared to have coffee alone

For the people who are new, the wall is cluttered

Some say it destroys the room’s beauty

But the people who have lasted, when they see the wall,

I know they can see me.

Undying Spirits

They sneak behind closed doors
They enter through broken windows
They move in like rain from between the cracks
They linger on like the smell of agarbatti
Like the taste of food stuck in your teeth
Like words that echo in your heart beat

They come, they come like smoke
To give little baskets of prayer and hope
To those who should have given up
long ago.