on
my fingertips I can count the number of friends
i've
had since ten, twelve, nine years, and in between
but
there's one i can't forget
i
met Aloneness (A) in school, she was the dark mysterious girl in the backseat
who
everybody wanted to know
but
I liked colors and company and cold drinks, A and I only crossed paths
she
would watch me take friends to the bathroom and back
she
saw me skip lunch when by myself
I
would run into her dining at restaurants, she needed no company
I
thought she must have never skipped a meal
we
stayed apart, A and I, our worlds were different, too different
but
in college it got harder to find people to go the bathroom with me
they
told me I could do it alone – travel from point A to B and B to E
those
were the days when I saw A again
this
time an old woman, she looked so free
while
I missed talks and lectures because my friends were on leave
A
was there learning about the Mahabharata and existential psychology
then
one day I gave it a chance, told them I would go for the talk no matter what
stumbled
up to the room, the lecture on the geography of time
the
only empty seat right next to A
we
didn’t say a word but we were friends
A
would be there for bathroom trips and class to class expeditions
A
filled in all the gaps that were killing me
as
I grew older, A came and went
she
changed faces too – next year she came in the face of a bearded man
we
loved each other’s company
we’d
sit and talk, we’d sit and stay quiet
we
could be together but not quite so
A
taught me to eat by myself, A embraced zoning out
A
also sometimes laughed at my neediness
how
I wanted to be around people
A
believed in self-sufficiency
and
now I’m here, A my best friend
but
this time A is the face of a baby looking for someone who cares
this
time A is shriveled and weak and bitter
this
time there are birthdays with A and happiness with A and sadness with A
this
time A has taken over my face
and
I move and talk and speak to people
but
A stays inside somewhere
A
scolds me for eating lunch with people
A
tells me to watch movies only with her
A
says people will leave you
A
cuddles me when they do
A
tells me it’s alright, A tells me it’s fine
I
tell A to quit for a bit
I
beg A to let me fall in love again
but
A is now my best friend
Aloneness
refuses to leave me alone.
