on my fingertips I can count the number of friends

i've had since ten, twelve, nine years, and in between

but there's one i can't forget

i met Aloneness (A) in school, she was the dark mysterious girl in the backseat

who everybody wanted to know

but I liked colors and company and cold drinks, A and I only crossed paths

she would watch me take friends to the bathroom and back

she saw me skip lunch when by myself

I would run into her dining at restaurants, she needed no company

I thought she must have never skipped a meal

we stayed apart, A and I, our worlds were different, too different

but in college it got harder to find people to go the bathroom with me

they told me I could do it alone – travel from point A to B and B to E

those were the days when I saw A again

this time an old woman, she looked so free

while I missed talks and lectures because my friends were on leave

A was there learning about the Mahabharata and existential psychology

then one day I gave it a chance, told them I would go for the talk no matter what

stumbled up to the room, the lecture on the geography of time

the only empty seat right next to A

we didn’t say a word but we were friends

A would be there for bathroom trips and class to class expeditions

A filled in all the gaps that were killing me

as I grew older, A came and went

she changed faces too – next year she came in the face of a bearded man

we loved each other’s company

we’d sit and talk, we’d sit and stay quiet

we could be together but not quite so

A taught me to eat by myself, A embraced zoning out

A also sometimes laughed at my neediness

how I wanted to be around people

A believed in self-sufficiency

and now I’m here, A my best friend

but this time A is the face of a baby looking for someone who cares

this time A is shriveled and weak and bitter

this time there are birthdays with A and happiness with A and sadness with A

this time A has taken over my face

and I move and talk and speak to people

but A stays inside somewhere

A scolds me for eating lunch with people

A tells me to watch movies only with her

A says people will leave you

A cuddles me when they do

A tells me it’s alright, A tells me it’s fine

I tell A to quit for a bit

I beg A to let me fall in love again

but A is now my best friend

Aloneness refuses to leave me alone.